So if you don’t personally know me, or at least don’t know me very well, you might not know that I’ve been diagnosed with depression for the past few years.
Hell, not many people know that. It’s not usually something I just come out and say.
I’ve learned to live with my depression, and how to hide it to where people can’t tell that I suffer from it.
But, it’s very real in my life, and effects me daily.
I started noticing my depression when I started high school, I’m sure it was always there, but things started to spark it.
I was always that girl who never thought she’d be happy, always thought she was ugly and not desirable, the girl who cried herself to sleep every night.
And the bad thing was is that it got to me. I let myself believe all those things.
I remember the many days I would be in my counselors waiting room just crying because I was so embarrassed every time I had to walk into her office.
Why me? Why do I have to be here? Why can’t I just be happy?
It wasn’t until my senior year, the year I really hit rock bottom. That was the year where every night I cried myself to sleep, contemplated the worse scenarios, and woke up every morning just knowing I’d have an awful day.
I did that to myself every single day. I went to counseling once a week, waiting, just waiting for something to change.
I remember just wanting to feel beautiful, wanting someone other than my amazing mother to tell me that I was beautiful, wanting to FEEL beautiful.
It wasn’t until I got my senior pictures back (taken by the lovely Sharon Elizabeth Photography, of course) that I felt beautiful. I remember looking at those pictures in shock that the girl in those pictures was me.
After that things almost started changing, it was as if, those pictures gave me a sense of hope. A sense of change.
I also met someone, my boyfriend. The absolute everything to me. I knew from the moment I met him something was different. I had found someone who understood me, didn’t judge my past, didn’t give up on me when I didn’t understand why I was crying, and loved me for who I was on the inside. The person who thinks I’m the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth, first thing in the morning (even with rachet hair and morning breath). The person who adores me no matter what.
Every girl needs that person. And I found one. The one person who is the cure for my depression, is better than any drug a doctor could give me. He gives me love, and love truly is all you ever need.
And that brings me to today. A day where I’m happy in my life. I occasionally have melt downs, and that’s just fine. Because it reminds me where I’ve been, and how I got this far.
My depression has given me a career choice of psychology. A career where I can help people who go through what I face every day. A career where I can wake up knowing that I can make a difference in someone’s life.
Depression has almost given me something to live for. Something to fight for, and hope. Hope that there’s a purpose to life. Because maybe one day I’ll meet that teenaged girl who reminds me of myself, and I’ll be able to tell her that it gets better, and personally, know that it does get better.
Good night 😀